Rebranding

I should rebrand this blog. I’m not an active writer these days although I keep trying to be. Does that count?

Illness or injury or both at the same time halted my exercise at least four times since March 2022, when our family contracted Covid. Each time, I would wait, let myself heal from injury or illness, and then start exercising again.

For a couple of weeks.

Just as I would slip into the rhythm of exercising where my equilibrium returned, that sense of well-being where I can laugh and smile through the toughest situations, I would get sick or injured again.

It’s been frustrating, and in the meantime, I get snappier, I bury myself in social media in a lie of self care, and alienate my family.

I’m trying again for the “too-many-to-count-th” time to get back into movement, where my thoughts concentrate on activating the correct muscle rather than the thousand and one things I have going on in my life. I will always keep trying, even if I never get there.

Except I believe that I will get there, a place where I cherish and maintain exercise and mental wellness.

I should rebrand but I’m not going to right now.

My other self-care

Blog? What blog?

The pandemic hit and my life, like everyone else’s, flipped upside down. I squeezed my work hours into my son’s nap times and the evening until all three of us were too exhausted to differentiate between the waking and sleeping hours.

Daycare access, work/life balance, and outdoor and indoor spaces returned and us three became five people, along with Tui the cat and Kiwi the dog who were already part of our lives pre-pandemic. Seven mouths to feed.

We did it, along with many others due to hard work and lots, and lots of good fortune. We are lucky and in the quiet moments, I remember our luck.

I have neglected this blog these past two and a half years and that will continue for awhile. Three kids under five are a level of noise and disruption I have never seen before. Although most of the time I’m holding on with my finger tips, I try to find ways to enjoy the ride. What else is life for, but to enjoy those special moments when you can?

However, I have a few older draft posts I’ll put up. I hope you have peace, good health, and happiness in your life. Find those moments

Returning to Exercise

Sometimes though exercise just isn’t possible due to the other commitments I have. 

Life takes me away from exercise from time to time, whether it’s illness, playing with my son, taking my dog for a walk, vacation, getting together with friends or any of a bunch of other things. It happens and I’m at peace with it. Sort of. I’m trying to accept that I can schedule my life all I want but events will happen to disrupt my plans.  

By giving myself a pass and being okay with not exercising for whatever period of time I don’t, I find it much easier to get back into exercise when I’m ready physically and mentally. Sometimes I have to start at the beginning with the 1, 2, and 5 pound weights but even then, I find it easier to progress and get stronger than when I first started exercising.

I used to make myself feel guilty about all the things I should be doing and wasn’t –  exercising, finishing assignments early, writing, cleaning. Feeling guilty about not doing those things sucked all my willpower to do those things. I would feel so bad about myself and feel like such a failure that I still wouldn’t start them. So I decided to stop making myself feel guilty about something I hadn’t done and start being kind to myself. I started to recognize that I could only do so much in a day and could only say yes to so many things before I burnt out so now I give myself a pass and decide that tomorrow will be a day that exercising may happen. 

I’m slowly getting back into regular exercising. I run with my dog when I can, I go to the gym, I walk. Illness and work pressures have made this a stop start process so I’m not really into a routine yet. That’s okay because I’m doing what I can when I can and sometimes that’s amazing.

In one of my previous posts, I talked about being stuck and as a result, not exercising. I’m coming out of that total paralysis that sucked all the joy out of exercise for me. Fingers crossed!

Struggling

I haven’t been exercising at all lately (How off brand! Twirls hair around finger, stomps foot, walks off) and it’s affecting me. I’m quick to lose my temper, all the time, and bubbling with thwarted desires. My mental paralysis is swallowing my home and work life, and yet I’m finding it so hard to get up off my chair, go downstairs at home or go to my gym at work (in my workplace!) and lift those weights or run on the treadmill. Last year, I could get up every morning at 4:30am and go for a run. Now, I only get as close as picturing myself running (is that a start?). 

Exercise isn’t hard really. All I have to do is make the choice and do it. I can’t really explain why I don’t. I am stuck in many aspects of my life and wonder if this is some weird physical manifestation of that psychological status. It might be. It doesn’t make a difference in the end because I am standing still, not exercising, letting my emotions control me. 

This is where I am right now. Someone once told me to be kind of myself when I was at a low point and this is a semi-philosophy that I have embraced fully. For now, this is where I am – not exercising, focused on writing, and undergoing a lot of self reflection, examining past decisions and the regrets they have led me to. 

The internet appears to be a place where I’m supposed to talk about how everything is great and positive and that I have learned lessons and I’m becoming a better person. I have no idea if any of that is happening right now but I do know that I am stuck. I will not be stuck forever so I will not beat myself up about it or badger myself. Feel this moment and then see what happens. 

To all those who might be stuck out there, that’s okay. Just don’t stay too long (at least that’s what I keep telling myself). To others, let me know what action, plan, thought, motivation, whatever, unstuck you. When Words Collide 2019 is coming up so maybe I will pull myself out of this quagmire at that wondrous celebration of all things writing and reading.